Are the holidays your personal idol?
The holidays are supposed to be a happy time for families. At least that’s the idea. But from where I sit (in the chair of the pastor/counselor/coach) I witness more unhappiness than I’d like to see. If we are honest the holidays can be filled with self-imposed clashes. For example, we schedule our gatherings not fully realizing that it takes tremendous time and enormous energy. After all, planning a significant gathering is hard work. Sometimes there are long distances to travel and people arrive with short fuses. And it doesn’t help if there are fractured family relationships. That kind of pressure can ruin the holidays. So I want to pose a question.
Are we making an idol out of the holidays? Are we creating expectations that set us up for failure? Is it possible that holidays are stressful and we are to blame? These questions are worthy of investigation.
James inquires, “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you?” (Jam 4:1) The half brother of Jesus assumes the obvious – people experience conflict. His question begs an answer about the cause. He continues. “Is not the source your pleasures?” James asserts that conflicts come from within, not from without. People are in conflict because of inward pleasures. In his book called The Peacemaker, Ken Sande says pleasures are actually desires. Desires are what we want from people or circumstances. Further, Sande warns believers are to be careful not to make a desire an idol.
So how do we make an idol out of a holiday gathering? Consider the statements I hear from people. “I want the family to get together and have a normal conversation.” “Thanksgiving/Christmas is for family.” “Why can’t we all just get along this year?” “I want my kids to talk to their relatives.” “I hope my spouse doesn’t say something dumb.”
All of these desires are good desires. But we can make an idol out of them. How? We can make the desires more important than our relationship to Christ and what He expects of our attitudes, actions, and words. We can actually convince ourselves that conflict arrives when the relatives step on the front porch. But what is our attitude like before the doorbell rings? What does God expect of our actions and words in these situations? We can be quite culpable for the conflict that emerges. So let me give some tips about managing (not running from) conflict in the holidays.
1. Make sure your desires are realistic. If you want a “perfect” gathering, cancel the gathering or change your expectation. The reality is that people will come to your home with their own set of desires and will probably conflict with yours. Don’t be guilty of setting up unreasonable circumstances. And when conflict emerges (like what game is going to be viewed on TV), consider it an opportunity to show grace and mercy and service.
2. Don’t fall for the line, “I deserve/demand to have a peaceful reunion!” Now be honest. Do we really deserve anything at all? Do we “earn” the right for peace? Can we really have a wonderful family gathering by demanding it? The answer is theologically and practically “No!” However, we can manage conflict through biblical behavior. “A soft answer turns away wrath.” (Proverbs 15:1) “Consider how to stir one another to love and good deeds.” (Heb 10:24). Taking on a “deserve” attitude is dangerous because that kind of thinking can lead to our attacking the person who stands in the way of our desires.
3. Guard your heart and mouth from judgmental attitudes and words. When our hopes for our desires are unmet and we think we deserve or demand a particular outcome, it is very easy to judge the people we think are in the way. You might think to yourself, my spouse went and said something idiotic. Your desire was that he/she would not (desire unmet). If your heart and mouth are not in check you might respond with, “Dear, you are a killer of peaceful family gatherings!” And there it is. You have labeled your spouse (killer). You wanted your spouse to behave (desire), you believed that this year you deserve it (demand), and he/she let you down so you let the hammer down! “You are a killer” (name calling). This is a judgmental double combination punch of attitude and hurtful words. (And you somehow believe that by doing this you are creating peace, the thing you wanted in the first place?)
4. Don’t punish the people you love. There are various forms of punishment we give out to loved ones when our expectations are unmet. Sometimes it’s “the silent treatment.” Often times we punish by ranting (more words of tortuous pain). Punishment of our loved ones can be an all out effort to control and coerce people to give in to our desires.
Of course all of this elevates in a matter of micro seconds. We have processed the above behaviors quite easily because we have had a lifetime of practice. The key to turning this around lies in your willingness to trade your desires (expectations) for Christ’s. Also, accept the fact that we live in a fallen world and that people are not perfect (including you) and that all of us are still being perfected in the Lord (including you).
Don’t make the holidays (or your ideas about the holidays) an idol of worship. Turn your mind over to Christ. See the holidays as an opportunity to serve your family with the love of the Lord. Perhaps they are watching to see how you’ll handle it. After all, we are here to glorify God and serve people. The holidays are a powerful opportunity to accomplish both.
